he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
