was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
