shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
