I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I got inside last night via doggy door
How does one acquire holy water?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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