I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
