If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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