I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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