I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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