I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
