What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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