M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
