i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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