ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
