I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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