if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have demons in me.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
