Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
