My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
