you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
