I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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