I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The uberlube is also flammable
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
