If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
FUCK WHALES
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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