I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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