Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
