Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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