I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
