I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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