I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
