Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
