those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
