I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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