just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He shit in the fireplace
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