if i can run in heels then i can drive
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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