shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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