how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
