she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
