he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
