the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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