Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
