Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
