I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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