if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
