I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
