there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
