I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
