Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
