I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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