Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
