I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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