why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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