Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
