I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
