from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
