Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
