There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize