just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
